Here are some basic guidelines, which can be applied to almost any wellness dimension – physical, financial, social, emotional etc. but they apply universally.
Take the long view
It takes time to nurture relationships because of the critical role trust plays. It does not matter if a relationship is friendship, romantic or any other, it will take time to build the trust characteristic of meaningful relationships.
Also the number of meaningful relationships one has declines naturally over time if new relationships are not created. No relationships last forever and if new relationships are not formed to replace them, a gradual decline in social wellness will result.
Take A Holistic approach
It’s easy to see in this dimension that a positive or negative relationship in one area of your life will affect all your other relationships. Just as in the physical or material dimensions, imbalance simply will not work in the social dimension. An unhealthy relationship will drag the others down while a positive relationship in one will bring energy and other benefits to the others.
Do it regularly
There’s another aspect of this principle which is that the relationship you have with another is not the same thing as the other. Relationships are living things which require regular care and attention. Simply being with the other does not at all mean you spent time investing in the relationship any more than just standing in a gym is the same as working out. The relationship between you and another is a unique and separate thing from the two of you and requires regular focus and attention.
Put in more than you take out
It’s easy to take your relationships for granted. If you take more than you give in a relationship you will soon find that the relationship is over. The key to putting in more than you take out of a relationship is twofold: taking responsibility to create opportunities to spend time together and focusing on the other and the quality of your relationship when you share those opportunities.
Study the science
There is a technical aspect to everything, including relationships of any kind. Relationships should not be reduced to clinical experiences, however there are many things that can enhance any relationship. For example, understanding individual personality types or preferred communications styles or group dynamics, can all translate into the ability to be gracious and considerate or provide support or leadership as required. The quality of graciousness is no accident.
Do intervals
Regular, in person contact is essential to both establishing and maintaining relationships. They will be deepened however by spending some focused time together on a regular but less frequent basis. Just the two of you, just your family, or just your group of friends on a getaway together.
The key here is focus and intensity, so spend the time together doing something that makes each of you stretch. That is what will bring the new and lasting dimensions to your relationships.
Maintain discomfort
Due to the inevitable fact of attrition over time of almost all meaningful relationships, it is necessary to regularly be creating new ones. The word “new” should be your clue that some form of discomfort is a necessary aspect of this. It may be the discomfort of trying some new things, of going out when you don’t really feel like it, inviting people into your home, of balancing multiple relationships or of risking rejection.
Some types of people will feel these discomforts more than others however choosing to avoid this discomfort will lead to a gradual decline in social wellness.
Have a plan
As with the other wellness dimensions, being clear about your goals is no less important in regards to relationships whether they concern friends, your partner, your family or your community. If you want to create new relationships, or nurture or improve existing ones, you will need to be clear about your goals and your plans.
Modify rather than try to eliminate habits
If you like to go for long walks by yourself, keep doing that, but also start inviting someone new sometimes or join groups or others who also like to walk. If the recreation group you belong to is not providing you with social benefits, join one that does. If you are not finding kindred spirits at work, volunteer to work at an organization you feel some resonance with.
Cross train
Variations: Engage in a variety of social activities – indoor, outdoor, small and large groups, at venues or in homes. Each time you do you will strengthen your emotional ability to feel comfortable and confident in any social situation. Your social “fitness level” will increase.
Alternatives: Go out to dinner with some friends – then host a pot-luck. Go to a play with some friends – then host a murder mystery party. Go with a group to watch a sports event – then host your own horse-shoes tournament on a beach.
Options: Go out to dinner with one other person – then with five. Go on a day trip with a group – then an overnight trip. Do something with just singles, just couples or just guys.
90% pure
Sometimes you just won’t feel up to your plans and good intentions. If you don’t cut yourself some slack you will think of this as failure instead of focusing on your accomplishments. The process of adapting to a more healthy social life requires time to assimilate and rest and develop new “social muscle”. This is especially true of introvert types who need time alone after social interaction. As long as you focus on your averages and trends you will know the difference between backsliding and balance.
The Basics Rule
In any wellness program, you have to maintain the basics. The “basics” rule for social wellness is to maintain a regular, varied social life. Applying the basics rule, ask yourself if you:
- Participated in at least one social activity this week.
- Did something social this month which you rarely did in the past.
- Extended an invitation to someone this month.
The following are three critical indicators social wellness:
- You are connecting with the same person or group on a weekly basis.
- You can pick up the phone and call any one of at least four friends any time for any reason.
- You made one new close, personal friend this year.
